


boss baby

by redandgold



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Gen, Pure Crack, this is the first fic in harry's tag and im laughing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 06:36:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10893762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redandgold/pseuds/redandgold
Summary: "Why have the Gerrards given birth to Harry Redknapp?"





	boss baby

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Anemoi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anemoi/gifts), [saltstreets](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltstreets/gifts), [neyvenger (jjjat3am)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjjat3am/gifts).



> [and thus a legend was born](https://twitter.com/Andrew_Stace/status/861665140042866688)  
> For everyone I bothered with this disturbing dystopia xoxo

**Carra:** **  
** GERRARD

What

 **Carra:** **  
** Congrats on 'Arry

_What_

**Carra:**

What  
The  
Fuck

 **Carra:** **  
**Oh good  
was starting to worry about ur vocabulary there

WHAT  
THE FUCK

 **Carra:** **  
** back to worried

LISTEN  
WHO THE FUCK DID THAT  
OH GOD IF REDDERS FINDS THIS  
IM NEVER FUCKING LIVING IT DOWN

 **Carra:** **  
** Stevie...

 

What

 

 **Carra:**  
Redders sent it to me.

 

\---

 

"REDDERS!"

"Oh, hullo, Stevie. Or should that be granddad? I dunno how these things work - "

"What the _fuck_? What the fuck did I just see? With my own eyes?"

"You had my dad, Stevie! Congrats!"

"Lord, this is awful."

"No, no, no, it's great! I can sit on your lap and you can tell me stories about the war!"

"Oh, really."

"Yeah! Tell me about how back in your day you'd kill all of the bad guys, big man!"

"And which war would that be, Jamie?"

"Um. The one with the flowers?"

 

\---

  
  
**_Redders_** _shared_ _a photo to the group 'Spice Boys'._

**Redders:  
** Me n' dad today!! 

STOP IT 

 **Robbie:**  
OH HEY UNCLE G 

 **Macca:  
** GRANDUNCLE G 

 **Robbie:**  
GRANDUNCLE G 

 **Macca:**  
How u doing, granduncle G? 

 **Robbie:  
** Hows the 21st century going?

 **Macca:**  
Do u need help with ur phone?? 

 **Robbie:  
** Do u know what a phone is?? 

 **Macca:  
** Were u friends with Alexander Graham Bell?

 **Robbie:  
** Can I borrow ur top hat for a costume competition?

 **Macca:  
** Which do u want for ur birthday, new glasses or a tweed jacket? 

 **Robbie:  
** Is it weird adjusting to colour telly? 

 **Macca:  
** Your son's doing very well in the Championship! 

 **Robbie:  
** Yes! Congratulations! Is he the youngest oldest manager ever? 

 **Macca:  
** Is it true he's going to write a biography called the Real Benjamin Button? 

 **Robbie:**  
Isn't Lio a really strange nickname for Harry? 

 **Macca:  
** Are you going to make Redders change his surname? 

 **Robbie:**  
Can we still call him Redders or will he have to be Gerredders? 

 **Macca:**  
How come ur kids have cockney accents? 

 **Robbie:  
** Did u move to london!!! traitor!! 

 **Macca:  
** Dont be harsh, growler, he's just looking for his dropped Hs

 **Robbie:**  
when he laughs does it sound like a a a a a a a ???  **  
**

**Macca:  
** That was terrible

 **Robbie:**  
like ur haircut then

 **Macca:  
** All jokes aside Stevie

 **Robbie:  
** He's bloody gorgeous 

 **Macca:  
** Beautiful son 

 **Robbie:**  
I can already foresee a great career for him

 **Macca:  
** Oh?

 **Robbie:  
** He looks like a good manager 

 **Macca:  
** OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 

 

_You left._

 

_\---_

 

 

"This is genuinely horrible! I can't believe they're treating my boy that way!" 

"Steven, it's just a photo." 

"IT'S MY BOY. MY BOY. THEY THINK MY BOY IS HARRY REDKNAPP." 

"Is that a bad thing?" 

"HAVE YOU SEEN? HARRY REDKNAPP? HE LOOKS LIKE A CANTALOUPE SOMEONE LEFT IN THE DESERT FOR TOO LONG." 

"Oh, that is a good one. I'll have to tell Carra that."

"XABI FOCUS AND HELP ME." 

"What can I possibly do, Steven?" 

"I DUNNO. POST A PICTURE OF YOURSELF WITHOUT YOUR CLOTHES SO THAT PEOPLE WILL TALK ABOUT THAT INSTEAD." 

"Are you insinuating that I'm sexy?" 

"...everyone kind of knows that already, yeah?"

"Is this about your son or some latent sexual desires?" 

"I do not need this right now." 

"Do you need me to give you what you need, Steven?" 

"Well - " 

"What you really need?" 

"I suppose it. Wouldn't hurt." 

"Are you sure?" 

"It'd. Be a comfort. In this. Difficult time." 

"Let me give you want you want." 

"Okay." 

_Xabi sent a photo._

 "XABIER ALONSO OLANO - "

 

\---

 

"You might be interested to know I've broken up with Xabi again." 

"Oh no! I'm sorry to hear that, amigo!" 

"Don't lie, Pepe, I know you have money on us not working out." 

"Well, yes, and I thank you for updating the Book. But that does not mean I cannot be sad for you." 

"Ta." 

"Might I ask why?" 

"It's kind of stupid. He - and some of the other lads, really - thinks my son looks like Harry Redknapp." 

 

"Pepe?"

 

"Pepe are you google imaging it." 

 

"You're texting Xabi, aren't you." 

 

"Are you sending it to the whole Spanish team?" 

 

"PEPE! THIS IS MY SON! DON'T YOU DARE GO AROUND COMPARING HIM TO A SEVENTY-YEAR-OLD DROOPY THE DOG!" 

 

"Pepe." 

 

"You're starting another betting pool on whether he'll grow up to be either Harry or Jamie, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?"

 

"If this ends up in sodding Marca or something..."

 

"I hate you. I hate you all."

 

\---

 

 

_Redders added you to the group 'FOOTBALL FAM'._

**Redders:**  
Granddad! You're here! _  
_

What the fuck

 **Redders:  
** Carra told me you'd been saying that a lot. You should read more, granddad.

 **Lampard:  
** You thought Tolstoy was Toy Story, Jamie.

 **Redders:  
** I was TIRED 

_Frank?_

**Lampard:**  
Hi.  
Redders tells me I'm your grandnephew now?   
I'm not a willing part of this.

 **Redders:**  
Lamps! Be more respectful! This is your granduncle! 

This is  
Unreal

 **Redders:  
** Oh it's very real!!! 

 I DON'T  
I DONT EVEN LIKE DOGS

 **Lampard:**  
WHAT   
HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE DOGS, GERRARD  
THEY'RE ANGELS   
THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE YOU'RE THE WORLD  
THEY'RE LIKE KIDS BUT CUTER   
THEY ARE PRECIOUS CINNAMON ROLLS AND MUST BE PROTECTED 

ARE WE JUST GOING TO IGNORE THE ISSUE AT HAND

 **Lampard:  
** CERTAINLY CUTER THAN YOUR HARRY MONSTROSITY THING

 **Redders:  
** Excuse me!!!! 

 **Lampard:  
** Jamie no offence but you know your father looks like the deflating aftermath of  _Up._

How dare you talk about Lio like that 

 **Redders:  
** He admits it!!! Granddad!!!! 

That was NOT what I MEANT  
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

 **Redders:**  
Now, now, we're family! We should act like one!   
Granddad, d'you want to come for Christmas dinner?   
You can bring Xabi, no one minds. Least of all the girls.

I am not coming to your Christmas dinner 

 **Lampard:**  
He is not coming to our Christmas dinner.

 **Redders:**  
:((((  
I want to meet my dad!   
And introduce you two properly instead of watching you kick each other apart on the field! 

I'll kick  _you_ apart if you don't shut up

 **Lampard:  
** Seconded.

 

\---

 

 **Scholes:**  
Carragher told Gaz you're skipping our annual Christmas shitfest to join the Redknapp/Lampards for some reason?   
Does this mean we can lock you and Lamps in a room and settle the second-best midfielder dispute once and for all?   
Obviously I remain in a class of my own (Henry, 2016).  
By the way, did you see that tweet about your son?  
Sounds like you're in a pretty harry situation?

 

\---

 

"I'm dying, Carra! Dying! Even Scholes has come and bothered me about it! I keep getting instagram messages! Half the newspapers have run it as a story! Pepe's told all of Spain, apparently!" 

"Calm down, Stevie. It's just some banter, innit? Nothing to be pissed over." 

"He's going to be sixteen and on the verge of being an international superstar and someone's going to pull this out and everyone's going to laugh at him and - "

"Stevie. Are you even listening to yourself right now?" 

"Okay. No. You're right. It's just a joke." 

"That's right. Just pure banter. Wouldn't even make top 10 between me and Gary today." 

"Rest assured, Carra, I never want to know what happens between you and Gary, ever." 

"Heh. Y'know, just this morning he did something with his tongue - " 

"CARRA." 

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It was my tongue." 

"Dear God, what have I done to deserve this." 

"Joking, mate! It's gonna be all right, yeah?" 

"Uh huh." 

"Good lad. Now you'd better start driving to Birmingham now or Lio's never going to make it in time for kickoff." 

 

\---

 

 **Nando:**  
Pepe told me u were feeling a bit down :(   
Thumbs up amigo! Everything will be o k! :)

 im breaking up with u

but we are not together! 

i know

 

\---

 

"Harry - oh, heck. Glad I've caught you." 

"Stevie. What's up, son?" 

".......God, that word is ruined for me." 

"Is there anything I can do for you, lad?" 

"Yeah. I just - wanted to apologise. Dunno if you've seen that tweet making its rounds - " 

"The one where people think your son looks like me?" 

"That one, yeah. Everyone's sharing it and it's kinda gotten out of hand and - " 

"Don't worry about it." 

"Great. Thanks." 

"There's one thing I'm a little disappointed with." 

"Oh?"

"Do you feed your kids?"

"...of course I do." 

"Then why didn't I get lunch today?" 

"...what?" 

"I'm hungry, dad. When's dinner?" 

 

\---

 

**STEVEN GERRARD ANNOUNCES SHOCK RETURN TO LA GALAXY, CITES REASON AS 'NO ONE THERE KNOWS WHO HARRY REDKNAPP IS'**

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> me, with an exam on monday: LETS WRITE ABOUT THE MOST HILARIOUS/DISTURBING TWEET I'VE SEEN IN A WHILE  
> Manips are all mine except the black and white one - click on the original tweet, there's loads more hilarious ones (my favourite is the book signing)  
> title from the [2017 movie](http://www.dreamworks.com/thebossbaby/share.jpg) \- I still maintain he looks like steve agnew
> 
> me: hA this is ALMOST ENTIRELY LIVERPOOL i bet you CANT GET SCHOLESY INTO THIS  
> also me: _wanna bet_


End file.
